no place...

rasanya aku ingin berteriak,
aku ingin berteriak untuk meluapkan hatiku yang selama ini terkunci.
aku ingin berteriak di tengah hamparan rumput yang sangat luas hingga suaraku dapat terlepas dengan sekencang-kencangnya.

namun semua itu tidak dapat kuwujudkan,
karena aku hanya terhenti dengan kata "rasanya"
karena kenyataannya aku hanya bisa diam membisu.

sempat aku memikirkan ide lain untuk selain berteriak demi mencurahkan isi hatiku,
YA!! aku ingin bercerita saja,
namun kembali aku tidak bisa mewujudkan hal itu,
karena aku hanya terhenti dengan kata "sempat"
karena kenyataannya aku tidak dapat bercerita ke siapa-siapa.

terakhir, aku ingin mencoba untuk yang terakhir kalinya untuk mencurahkan isi hatiku,
YA!! aku pilih bercerita dengan si "dia",
namun aku ceroboh, "dia" pun tidak dapat menampung curahan hatiku, malah dapat berbalik untuk menambah isi dari curahan hatiku yang terus terkurung.

akhirnya aku tertawa...
merenungkan kembali, bahwa memang tidak ada tempat,
selama ini aku hanya memaksakan saja.

dan pada akhirnya...

aku hanya bisa memendam segala cerita dan perasaanku dalam hati dan pikiranku saja.

..gloomy..

this fasting month, feels very heavy ..
if in previous years, the month of ramadan still I feel togetherness ..
but the fasting month is very heavy ...
almost every day, I fasted myself ...
none of my family who helped to fast.
my sister who was fasting, not in the home.
whereas the other sister, already planning to move to the Christians belief ..
situation at home is no longer felt in harmony ..
even my mama was aligned to my brother, so as if they do not want to help to break the fast food .. because they have no interest.
as well as the meal in the evening .. I prepared myself.

finally, comes the day of Idul Fitri,
and I just pray to the mosque itself was accompanied by my aunt,
Guests come to the house late into the night ..,
but all that I lead with a grateful ..

.....cloudy...

every little thing that i said or did something..it seems wrong..
you call me...PING!! just want to make sure that im not sleepy yet..
and i reply your call..to say that im not sleepy yet..
i wrote some word thats not right...
just a few word..
but your reaction is angry..
its just a few word..
what is wrong?
you know what? im not sleepy yet...its not because i did my job..
its because my heart got rainy..
and it falling down into my eyes..
but im sure that you never know it..
you never know my feel...
because only me know me..

am i too excessive?

yes ..... I can only tell myself,
no more can I ask to share stories,
perhaps by way of question and answer it myself, I can tell you to vent my emotions
now I just feel alone .. just me, myself, and I ..

I was not able to argue,
if I think to give you advice, you'd think that I was too forced and arranged
and it makes you uncomfortable and ultimately angry ..
then what can I do? I could only silently

in the end I follow what is it you want ..
now .. I'm not going to force ..
sometimes I want you to come to my days without reason
but sometimes you either do not understand or pretended not to understand
You always ask what the importance for you to come to my day
do you not realize that it was important for me to attend a special person to me
except I'm not so special to you ..

then in the end you came into my day
you gave me a beautiful bouquet
.. you all look perfect with my family welcomed me
Although actually I'm sad because my mama was not attended by
but all still walking with a beautiful and very pleasant
attention that you give is very important to me ..
thank you my dear ...

only a few days later ...
I will wait for images to be stored in phone memory
I want to find pictures of both of us
I was looking at your facebook
because I thought you used to store our photos
I began to open your photo album
but at the last photo in your profile album
I found something
but it may only a simple things..because it already past
but why it makes me sad

I tried to give you the message that I saw a picture that is less fun ..
but what was your reaction? you're just saying that if you do not like..just remove them..
its not that simple
is it fair if you find pictures of other people with me in my PROFILE album?

I'm a bit disappointed ... do not blame me if I think that you are not into me
maybe im a little excessive ..
maybe its just a simple Things
quitely but it hurt me ...

..unclear..

everything was not finished ...
This morning I woke up very early ..
eager to prepare clothes and breakfast ..
I prepared for my family and you ..
I'm very excited ... until I did not continue my sleep
because i fear i will late ..
but what I found?
I hear the phone ringing .. yours while you
bath ..
it ring until you're finished bathing .. ..
I think there is anything .. but it turns into something that does not my expect ..
I was speechless at first .. and you do not feel as though that thing
it is a problem ..
although in the end you realize it makes me
pissed ..
you asked for this to be no problem .. and so
I forgive you immediately .. just want to make you well..
I follow what you want .. and then you suddenly gave me the news
that you already at work .. then you told me what are you doing there..
but when I reply to one you rarely unheeded ..
you really make me pissed off .. but I'm sure ..
you never noticed .. because lately I feel ..
you do not know me so well .. everybody ..
no one knows me ..
you sue me for not doing things outside the limits ..
but are you already do it?
really funny ... you're asking others to do the things that has become my routine activity in every morning to you?
i really dissapointed...

..nobody knows me..

yes..i realize that no one really knows me..neither i...maybe only God really knows me..
ì dont know what i want...but i do know what i feel in last days...
i feel empty, feel sad, feel not good in mood..
maybe better for me to stay away from my life for a while..

...enough for today...

Hari terus berlalu...
Hingga pada akhirnya kucapai puncak hariku sebagai seorang mahasiswi...
kuucapkan terima kasih kepada Tuhan dan semua orang yang turut mendukung dan membantuku untuk menjadi seperti ini..
Kuucapkan pula kepada dirimu yang selalu sabar membantuku untuk dapat menyelesaikan segalanya..
namun, setelah kelulusanku tiba...aku mendapatkan dirimu yang semakin menjauh...terus menjauh...
cukup kaget kudengar kabar darimu yang begitu cepat untuk segera meninggalkanku..
secepat itukah dirimu langsung memutar jarum jam terhadap aktivitasmu..??
tetapi kusadari..itu memang harus dijalani..karena memang sudah saatnya..dan sudah cukup kau menunda aktivitasmu demi mendukungku..
Akhirnya kuterima kenyataan tersebut dengan hati yang senang dan ikhlas..karena itu memang demi kebaikanmu..
ditengah sempitnya waktu dan tenaga baik dirimu maupun diriku..kami sempatkan untuk sekedar bertemu..walaupun pada akhirnya hanya tertinggal waktu yang sangat singkat untuk bercengkrama..karena badan yang menuntut untuk segera beristirahat agar siap menyambut rutinitas di pagi hari...
..ku jalani keseharianku tanpa dirimu yang biasanya ada dirimu disampingku...
dan hari ini...kita tutup hari ini dengan topik yang sebenarnya meng-enak-an namun menjadi tidak enak..
mungkin aku terlalu banyak meminta..namun aku memohon untuk agar sedikit tidak menunjukkan ego-mu pada saat hariku ditengah nyanyian "gaudiamus"...terlalu sulitkah?
aku tau batasanku...namun kalo itu keputusanmu...untuk tidak mau merubah sedikit ego-mu...dan memilih untuk tidak ada dihariku...
akupun hanya bisa berdiam...
dan kututup hari ini dengan kesendirian dan tidak ingin bersosialisasi...